Backteria and Other Improbable Tales Read online

  Laugh! I t’ought I’d die.

  But the cop keeps comin’. Everybody’s quiet and watchin’. All the cars are stopped. Horns was honkin’. This big crowd all around watchin’ the cop movin’ in on this crazy guy. Yeah, a regular scene.

  Drop that club! says the cop. He takes another step.

  The crazy guy jumps!

  Bang! goes the rod. Tears a hole out the guy’s right shoulder. He goes floppin’ back. Falls on the sidewalk. Squirmin’ around. Blood all over the place. Jeez what a mess.

  Get this though!

  Even with half his shoulder shot off, this guy starts getting’ up again. Yeah! Jeez you never seen nothin’ like it, I tell ya Mack. What stren’th!

  Well the cop moves in fast and gives him a whack on the head with a butt. The guy goes down. But he gets up again! Honest I never seen such stren’th.

  He takes a swing at the cop with his left arm. The cop gives him another on the head. The guy goes down for good. He’s out.

  No wait, there’s some more.

  After the ambulance comes and they all get carried away, I go back to Dot. Sure, she’s still there. Whattaya think? No dame is gonna run out on dough. Am I right or wrong?

  So we start back up the street. I see the blood on the sidewalk. The slob from the store is tryin’ to mop it up. Kills his business, see?

  Then I notice, who’s waking beside me but the old jerk with the bible.

  Well whattaya say? I says to him, kiddin’ him along. You know.

  He looks at me. Doesn’t say nothin’, just looks at me like he was tryin’ to figure where the hell I come from. A real character.

  Where do you think the guy come from? I says to him.

  So he stares at me. And, get this Mack, he says:

  From the past.

  Yeah! How do you like that? Wait though. That ain’t the best part.

  I give him the once over, see? Then, just before we reach the corner I says—From the past haah? and give ‘him an elbow in the rib.

  And he says—get this—Maybe from the future!

  Yeah! What do ya do with guys like that? Ya put ‘em away. That’s right.

  So me and Dot went to the Paramount. Wait, I’ll tell ya.

  Boy, hey, that Frankie Laine!

  Professor Fritz and the Runaway House

  Once there was an inventor named Professor Fritz. He had a helper named Willy and a cat named Manfred. They all lived together in a big house just outside the city.

  One day Professor Fritz invented a blue powder to make things come to life.

  “Give me something to bring to life,” Professor Fritz said to Willy.

  Willy got a red broom and put it on the inventing table. Professor Fritz sprinkled some blue powder on it.

  “It’s not doing anything,” said Willy.

  “Don’t be so crazy impatient,” said Professor Fritz. He sprinkled a little more blue powder on the broom.

  Suddenly, the fur stood up on Manfred the cat.

  Suddenly Willy’s mouth opened wide. “Oh, wow,” he said.

  The red broom was getting up.

  It stood on its straws and swayed back and forth. Then it jumped down to the floor and started hopping around.

  “That’s incredible!” said Willy.

  “It’s pretty good, all right,” said Professor Fritz. “Give me something else to bring to life.”

  Willy took a hammer from his overalls pocket and put it on the inventing table. Professor Fritz sprinkled some blue powder on it and it jumped up.

  Then Professor Fritz sprinkled some blue powder on a screwdriver and a flashlight and an empty soda bottle. They all started running around the top of the inventing table.

  The hammer chased the screwdriver and hit it on the head.

  The flashlight kept turning itself on and off and frightened the soda bottle so badly that it jumped off the table and broke into a hundred pieces. Manfred the cat yowled and jumped into Willy’s back pocket.

  Professor Fritz turned to the red broom which was still hopping around the floor.

  “Hey, you!” he said. “Sweep up that broken glass, would you?”

  “Maybe I will and maybe I won’t,” said the broom.

  Professor Fritz got angry with the broom for talking back. He put down the jar of blue powder and started chasing the broom around the inventing room.

  “Boy, when I catch you, you are going to get it!” said Professor Fritz.

  “You have to catch me first!” said the broom.

  Professor Fritz didn’t notice that, when he had put down the jar of blue powder, he’d put it down right over his Bunsen burner.

  Willy didn’t notice it either because he was trying to do two things at once. He was trying to get Manfred the cat out of his back pocket and he was trying to keep the hammer from hitting the screwdriver.

  All of a sudden, the jar of blue powder exploded with a terrific BOOM!

  Everything that could shake shook. Everything that could break broke. And everything that could fly flew away in all directions.

  When the blue smoke cleared away, Professor Fritz found himself hanging from the chandelier by his yellow suspenders. Manfred the cat was sitting on his shoulder.

  Willy was leaning upside down against the wall with his head inside a wastepaper basket.

  “Oh, wow, it’s dark in here!” he said.

  Professor Fritz dropped down from the chandelier and pulled the wastepaper basket off Willy’s head.

  “What happened?” asked Willy.

  “I think my blue powder went boom,” said Professor Fritz.

  “Well, then, I guess that’s the end of that,” said Willy with a sigh of relief.

  “The end, my crazy eye,” said Professor Fritz. “Look.”

  Over on the inventing table, the microscope was hopping up and down. The Bunsen burner was turning somersaults. The rubber tubes were crawling all over like snakes. The scraps of broken glass were jumping around like popcorn. Even the inventing table was shaking.

  “Now you did it,” Willy said.

  “Don’t get so crazy bothered,” said Professor Fritz. “I’ll see to it.”

  He started toward the inventing table, then jumped back in surprise as the drawers popped out of it and all his pencils leaped to the floor. All his papers flew out like flocks of white birds.

  “Hey you, stop!” yelled Professor Fritz.

  He grabbed his butterfly net and he and Manfred started to chase the flapping papers. They could only catch two of them. The rest flew out the window and disappeared into the sky. Professor Fritz stamped his foot.

  “All my inventing notes,” he said.

  Just then Willy cried out: “Professor Fritz!”

  Professor Fritz turned around and saw Willy standing across the room. Willy had the door ajar and was peeking into the living room.

  “Oh, wow,” he said.

  Professor Fritz hurried over to him. “What’s the matter?” he demanded.

  Willy threw open the door. “Look!” he said.

  Everything in the living room had come to life. The sofa was waddling around. The armchairs and the tables were marching up and down. The television set was running in circles. The piano was stamping its feet like an impatient horse and all the window curtains were flapping.

  “Now you did it!” Willy cried.

  “Don’t upset yourself,” said Professor Fritz. “They will all calm down in a minute.”

  Instead of that, the furniture began to leave the room. The only one that couldn’t get out was the sofa. No matter how hard it tried it just couldn’t squeeze through the doorway.

  All of a sudden, the books in the bookcase started jumping from the shelves and flopping across the rug. Little Women bumped into Tom Sawyer. Black Beauty trampled The Wizard of Oz. Hans Brinker skated over Pinocchio. The rug was covered with books pushing and shoving at each other. “Look out!” they cried and “Let me by!” and “One side, Buster!”

  Now the records started fall
ing off their shelves. They slipped from their holders and rolled across the room like black wheels. Manfred started after them, then changed his mind and jumped inside Willy’s pocket again.

  Next, the pictures fell down from the walls and hobbled out of the room, giggling to themselves. The telephone jumped off its table and started crawling away. It pulled at its wire so hard that the receiver fell off.

  “Operator,” said the voice.

  “Don’t bother me,” growled the telephone.

  At that moment, there was a loud thumping in the bedroom. Professor Fritz and Willy looked at each other.

  “Not in there too!” said Willy in dismay.

  “So we’ll take a look,” said Professor Fritz.

  They ran across the living room and Professor Fritz threw open the bedroom door.

  “Oh, wow,” said Willy.

  Both the beds were rocking back and forth. The bedside tables were tapping their feet. The bureau was butting its side against the wall and the lamps were spinning like tops.

  “Boy, I really invented something this time,” said Professor Fritz.

  “You sure did,” groaned Willy.

  They both jumped back as the closet door flew open and all their suits and coats came rushing out. Trousers started cavorting around the room. Shirts and undershirts jumped from the bureau drawers and fluttered toward the window. All the clothes began to move at once, even shoes and socks.

  “My long red underwear!” cried Willy, running after them. The long red underwear danced to the window, leaped out and disappeared.

  “My slippers!” cried Professor Fritz. He and Manfred hurried after them but they darted under one of the beds and hid themselves.

  Professor Fritz grabbed a fishing pole that was passing by and felt beneath the bed for his slippers. The slippers kicked the pole away.

  “You better cut that out!” said Professor Fritz.

  Just then, the sink came running out of the bathroom spouting water from its faucets. On its back, toothpaste was squeezing from its tube like a long, white, squishy worm.

  “We’d better check the rest of the house!” cried Willy.

  They ran into the kitchen.

  “Oh, wow,” groaned Willy.

  The doors on the stove were flopping open, banging shut, flopping open, banging shut. The cupboard doors were opening and closing so fast that they made a wind.

  Suddenly, the refrigerator door flew open and food started jumping out. Oranges and apples rolled across the floor. Boxes of cheese skidded and slipped. Bottles of milk crashed down, splashing milk on everything.

  Professor Fritz began to chase a dish of cold chicken.

  “Come back here!” he ordered. “You’re my lunch!”

  “How can you worry about lunch at a time like this?” cried Willy.

  “I’m doing the best I can!” said Professor Fritz, grabbing the dish of chicken. “If things are going to run away like this, the least we can do is try to catch them!”

  Putting down the dish of chicken, he grabbed some clothesline from a shelf and lassoed the table which was trying to sneak out the door. The table whinnied like a horse and reared up on its hind legs.

  “Down, you crazy table!” cried Professor Fritz.

  “Look out!” yelled Willy.

  Professor Fritz whirled around just in time to see the stove come charging at him as fast as a locomotive. He jumped to one side and the stove went rushing past. The clothesline was torn from Professor Fritz’s hands and, together, the stove and table galloped from the house.

  “We’re free!” they cried. “We’re free!”

  “Boy, that was a close call,” said Professor Fritz, nibbling on a piece of chicken.

  Willy didn’t answer him because he was watching the knives and forks and spoons. They were hopping from their drawer and dashing out of the kitchen. The pots and pans ran after them making a lot of racket. The toaster followed, ticking like a clock.

  “Oh, wow,” groaned Willy. “What’s going to happen next?”

  All of a sudden, the window shades began unrolling. The windows started to open and close. The doors flew open and slammed shut by themselves. The walls began to tremble. The ceilings began to shake. The floors began to rock and roll.

  “I’ll tell you what’s going to happen next,” said Professor Fritz. “The house, itself, is coming to life.”

  “Oh, no!” cried Willy.

  “Oh, yes,” said Professor Fitz, “and I think we’d better skedaddle fast.”

  He started for the door and Willy hurried after him with Manfred peeking out of his pocket. They ran outside and down the path to the sidewalk.

  Just as they turned, they saw the entire house jump off its foundation and stagger into the street.

  “Hey, you crazy house, come back here!” yelled Professor Fritz.

  “Nuts to you!” answered the house.

  Professor Fritz turned red.

  “No house is going to talk to me like that!” he said. “Quick! Into the car!”

  “What are we going to do?” asked Willy.

  “We’re going to chase it, that’s what!” said Professor Fritz.

  They jumped into the car and Professor Fritz started speeding after the house. As he drove, he leaned out the other window, warning the people ahead.

  “Look out!” he cried. “Look out! Runaway house!”

  Meanwhile, the furniture was racing into the city.

  A man was standing on a corner waiting for the bus.

  “Boy, am I tired,” said the man to himself. “Would I like to sit down.”

  Just then one of Professor Fritz’s armchairs came running down the street. It banged against the man so hard that, suddenly, he was sitting in it while it ran.

  “Whoa!” yelled the man. “I’m not going this way!”

  “You are now!” answered the chair.

  A lady ran up to a policeman.

  “Officer, officer!” she cried. “I just saw a kitchen stove crossing the street!”

  “Sure you did, lady,” said the policeman, patting her on the shoulder.

  Two boys were sitting in school. Their teacher, Mr. Nutt, was telling them all about long division.

  “I wish I was watching television,” said one boy.

  “You and me both,” said the other boy.

  Just then, Professor Fritz’s television set burst through the classroom door, ran down the middle aisle and knocked the teacher right over his desk. Then it plugged itself in and started showing a western.

  “Yay!” cried the children.

  A truck driver ran up to the policeman.

  “This may sound crazy,” said the truck driver, “but I just had a head-on collision with a piano!”

  The policeman stared at him.

  “Is everybody around here going crazy?” he said to himself.

  A man was mowing the grass in his backyard.

  “Boy, am I thirsty,” said the man. “I sure could use a glass of lemonade.”

  “Be my guest,” said a voice behind him.

  The man jumped around. There, standing in front of him, was Professor Fritz’s refrigerator.

  “Where on earth did this refrigerator come from?” wondered the man.

  “From just outside the city,” said the refrigerator. And, quick as a wink, it threw open its door, splashed a pitcher of lemonade on the man and ran into the alley, laughing.

  Two sign painters were sitting on their scaffold eating lunch.

  “That’s funny,” said one of them to his friend, “I could have sworn I just saw a pair of long red underwear dancing across the roof of that building over there.”

  “You’d better get your eyes examined,” said his friend.

  A little girl ran up to the policeman.

  “My dog just chased a pair of black shoes up a tree!” she cried.

  “And both the shoes were sticking out their tongues!”

  “Everybody around here is going crazy,” said the policeman to himself. />
  Just then Professor Fritz’s car skidded up to the curb.

  “Has my house run past here by any chance?” Professor Fritz asked the policeman.

  The policeman was just about to take Professor Fritz to the police station when there was a loud noise at the corner. The policeman looked in that direction and his mouth fell open.

  Professor Fritz’s house had just stopped for a red light.

  “There it is, the crazy thing!” cried Professor Fritz.

  The light turned green and the house rushed off again.

  “Stop that house!” cried Professor Fritz, driving after it.

  The policeman jumped on a motorcycle and roared after them. He shot past Professor Fritz’s car and caught up with the speeding house.

  “All right you, pull over to the curb!” ordered the policeman.

  “Nuts to you too!” said the house and it threw a bowl of goldfish at the policeman. The bowl landed on the policeman’s head and the goldfish started swimming around his nose and biting it. This made the house laugh so hard that it didn’t watch where it was going. Suddenly, it crashed against a big tree — KABOOM!! The roof went one way. The walls went another way. Everything fell off, fell apart, fell in and fell down. It made a lot of noise.

  Professor Fritz and Willy and Manfred got out of their car and walked over to the wreckage.

  “Boy, what a crazy mess,” said Professor Fritz. “Not to mention all the furniture running around loose.

  “I hope you learned your lesson,” said Willy.

  “Oh, sure I did,” said Professor Fritz. “Next time I make things come to life, I’ll make sure they don’t get so fresh.”

  Willy groaned and sank down on what was left of the sofa.

  “Oh, wow, what next?” he said.

  “I don’t even want to think about it,” said the sofa.

  Purge Among Peanuts

  The zoo was almost empty as Mr. Jones walked slowly down the stairs with a scowl on his face.

  A seal bark caught his ear like the cough of an ancient smoker. He could smell the flood of freshly cut grass and the toasty scent of warm leaves.

  He made a wry face.

  He passed a daddy carrying a junior on his shoulders. History repeats, mused Mr. Jones without favor. Some junior was probably carried on Roman shoulders to the arena to see Christians get digested.